The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
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Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.