i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
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If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls