Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
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I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!