If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
You Might Also Like
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.