Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
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I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Always…
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce