[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
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People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
when someone compliments me
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.