Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
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[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
6. me as a lawyer
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
🤣😂🤣
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.