You take the oxy out of oxymoron
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My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?