*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
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[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Cardio Made Easy
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches