[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
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You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!