[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
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If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
I think this should do it.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Breaking news:
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….