Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
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4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
The first one, obviously
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
oh my god
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.