me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
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“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
My dream job is getting paid to dream
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Best seat on the street 😍
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.