Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
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Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good