If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
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Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Only short people can save us
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.