What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
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Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!