SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕