You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
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It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?