after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
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Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Tell me you get it…🤣
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.