On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
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I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
If you love someone, let them tweet.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.