Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
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[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Noah was an idiot.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.