[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
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“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.