Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
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Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
taking June’s advice to heart
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*