An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
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Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.