Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
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-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo