It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
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Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Hitlers gonna hitl
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Botany good plants lately?
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious