MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
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My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.