ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
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Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING