If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
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Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
My blood type is coffee.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea