Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
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*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.