People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
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Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
britain’s three elite institutions
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.