When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
You Might Also Like
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.