Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
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Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho