twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
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I’m ready for Halloween this year
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I’m not stressed
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase