“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
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So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence