I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
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me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
water it, i dare you
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you