I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
You Might Also Like
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Fixed this for Shakespeare
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.