Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
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I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I thought this was funny lol
me, too, girl. me, too.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits