Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
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Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
PARKOUR
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?