Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
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Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Wait a minute
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.