ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
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Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”