My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
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“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am