Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
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I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW