Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
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Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss