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Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
God has abandoned us.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
My retirement plan is to become a cat.