dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
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*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
adam and eve had first world problems
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*