If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
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*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*