A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
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he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic