I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
You Might Also Like
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
HERE’S MARKY
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”