Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
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This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
This dude got his own movie?
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.